The scheduled training for Good Friday is off due to a water logged pitch. Next session is Thursday April 8th at 5:00pm for both squads.

Pre match rumblings.

• Janet awoken from the 2009 slumber still unable to get in the side despite a grovelling 0730hrs call on match day.
• Still far too many available parking spaces for my liking
• Bananas(in pyjamas) tossing one up for Robshaw to tw@t at Treacle meandering through the covers during practise
• Treacle wearing 4th form PE kit
• Cummings looking happy at 7pm for the first time in 3 seasons
• Everyone on time
• Morgan sporting very well trimmed head and facial hair – possible first outing for new Christmas present Remington Rimmer?
• Bananas Tossing and losing
• Everyone going to pad up Treacle still stood at the bowlers end – come on guys a bit of communication please (2 weeks in a row).
• Morgan relegated to batting at 6 after last weeks version of ‘do you wanna hit my rubber’ by the splice girls.

And so to the game with 10 overs of the worst drivel by Donkeys 1 to 5 bowling; Bananas and Wobbly-knees playing the usual selection of hard hitting and dobbling and racing to 20 not out within 5 overs… Bananas notable for hitting 6 when on 19 to retire 25 not out; nice touch. Captain scowl looking a little out of form and subsequently run out by Big Dog on 15. Big Dog unleashing the fury at the back wall but everything else leaving a lot to be desired.

Treacle playing yet another below par 9 not out for his average, and Morgan managing to find the middle of the bat for the first time in the season. Bananas coming back in for a second bash and giving Treacle a Bollokcing for taking his gloves.. quote Cockle “what did I tell you before.. I knew I’d be back in the middle, give me those gloves.” Calm down dear it’s not a Saturday afternoon and you haven’t been stuck on the square leg boundary waiting to be given the ball to throw a few overs down all afternoon. A decent 121 made all up.. also a bit boring with little or no controversy …… YET.

Oh hang on a second did I hear ‘not out … his toe was outside the line.’ Ahh yes that and the comment ‘if he’d hit it mate it would have walked he’s that kind of bloke’ funny I heard that said about AB DeVilliers once before but let’s not split hairs.

Its at this point I cannot remember what the oppo were called.. shall we call them the 3 skinny ones, 2 fat ones and a scruffy one – oh go on then. Team GB assembled back at their kit bags after dispersing Darul Shafa and the Get Fresh Crew who were looking decidedly shady hanging around next to Treacle’s work bag – Treacle being more concerned they would help themselves to the Prada Carving Slippers than the laptop and blackberry.

The discussion then ensued as to who would like to keep wickets – looking at the bowling attack and the score GB were protecting there was only one culprit – Treacle Taylor. No wicket keeping pads and possibly the flimsiest gloves a 14 year old could ever wear – there’s been more space in a Jamaican whrose backside, and about as much protection.

Pistols at dawn then ensued before the batting side hit the middle, with Robshaw looking particularly aggressive but Treacle acquitting himself well behind the stumps. In fact it seems Treacle has more promise behind the stumps than Tom Mackrill; aside from not moving at all to a fine tickle down leg. That aside it appears Janet has plenty to worry about, and when Morgan had one caught behind the excitement was just too much to handle.

Shorter bowled well taking a wicket with his first delivery back and silencing any doubters very early. The Chods then needed 24 off the last to win and shorter cleaned them up with plenty left to get. A quite hollow victory really but we’ll take it all the same and discovering a new talent behind the stumps augurs well for the upcoming outdoor season.

Jackson will be thrilled to hear that Murray is still available next week having negotiated specifically with his boss in London to accommodate the indoor Tuesday night 7oclock Headingley league such is its national importance.

YCC still have no licensee and so beer not an option… another great advert for people looking after themselves at the drinks machine – guess who?! Final point of note, how the F does Shorter work in accounts? 6 x 4 = 24… simples.

1 pound = 5 strips of biltong.

Bare Facts .. GCC 121-3, Chods 102 all out.

Cockle 30 odd n.o Cummings 20 odd n.o Robshaw slightly less Shorter slightly less Treacle slightly less Morgan.

Bowling – too busy trying to catch a round red thing to remember anything

PS…. Treacles hands like a panful of Sausages on Wednesday morning.. roll on next week!

Treacle was presented with the unusual pleasantry of New Year wishes from a certain Cian Evans at 9.30am on the day of the match with the usual (badly disguised) request of a lift from Goldsborough both to and from the venue. Treacle duly obliged with the offer of a lift home but not a lift there. When questioned by Evans as to whether he was going straight from work the text reply was a resounding yes…. This wasn’t the first time that Evans had turned Treacle down after making such a reply (there was never one there etc…. Murray). Cummings commenting that the arrangement should have been made for a pick up at the Knaresborough roundabout and Big Dog confirming that it would have been hilarious to have then completely forgetting that such a meeting had been made.

As it was a very able replacement in the shape of Russ’s(Staveley CC and Durham University) mate Rich was found who was duly handed the wicket keeping gloves (never kept wicket in his life – more of that later) and the spectre of batting and running between the wickets with Treacle having never played the indoor format before. Other points to note before the game even started as follows.

• Notable absentees – Janet(assumed watching re-runs of the darts on Sky)
• Chemical(assumed lost at an over running New Years eve party dressed as Marilyn Monroe on acid)
• Far too many parking spaces available on the street to choose from.
• Cummings having unleashed the blockage of 2009 and having in fact gone the other way in 2010.
• Cockle playing the complete game in navy blue pyjama top and bottoms.
• Three Captains – Morgan(logistics and tossing), Cockle(tactics and technical), Cummings(zero input, batting, bowling and throwing)

The toss was duly lost and we were put into bat by the opposition Olicanians who looked like a reasonably fit bunch of young lads who would have graced the legendary Berlin Snax club wet room.. alas it proved that the indoor league pays athletic physique little respect. Treacle going out to bowl when the other five members of GCC were padded up and asking what we were doing (issue of Bankers intelligence to be raised at Alastair Darlings next Treasury Select Committee); Treacle duly dispatched to square leg umpiring duty.

And so the game began! With a steady if uninspiring start Cockle and Cummings (considerably looser of leg than last season) both made 20 and retired – Cockle Nurdled and Cummings smashed sixes over square leg for one. Captain Morgan then appeared at number three (presumably using the position of logistics to his own advantage in a Shorter-esque fashion). Morgan having the uncanny knack of hitting 18 balls in a row out of the splice of the bat missing the side or back wall with all 18! Robshaw then entered the fray.. 6 6 1 1 1 run out.

With wickets in hand but a slowing scoreboard Treacle hit the crease and with usual aplomb managed to wear two of his first three on the front foot directly in line with middle.. as in previous seasons adjudged to be going ‘just down leg’. Morgan then ran himself out after a suicidal call of yes and Treacle refusing to cross, making up for matches gone by and new boy Rich joining the fray. After a few choice bits of advice from Treacle at over end (Sell the EUR and buy Oil futures) the game petered out with Rich 11 not out and Treacle 10 not out, with everyone having contributed to a total of 95.

It has to be said that the ‘Snax Club Six’ bowling was a mixture of Tripe and Onions with the odd quicker one thrown in, with little pressure put on by the batting side it was difficult to tell if they could field or not – a decidedly pedestrian 10 overs in hindsight.

Captain Cummings then passed the gloves to new Boy Rich (best part of 16 stone and 6 ft)… ‘the gloves are a bit small but you’ll be reet’. Cummings then threw down some low skidders and superbly ran out their opener with a direct hit, but not before Rich had pulled his ribcage and taken one in the abdomen.. cheers lads. Team GB then ran through the rest of the side with Morgan taking 2 wickets on the spin and Big Dog following up a bouncer with a Yorker to dismiss the other opener. All looked good. At 45-5. In typical GCC fashion we then capitulated with Olicanians needing 20 off the last over and Treacle left to throw down a selection of dippers, donkey drops and dirt… 3 balls left and requiring 9 Treacle threw the only card in his pack the dodgy back of hand leg break – cue drawing the batsman on 61 not out from the crease and debutant keeper Rich doing the business behind the stumps.. cue delirium/trudge off the wicket mildly pleased.

Meanwhile on the other pitch there was a scene from Lahore developing (and we’re not talking Brazilians and paraplegics) with Darul Shafa jumping about like a demented eel at every potential run out, and running around the pitch quicker than he does at 2 in the morning when someone does a runner from the curry house and causing a bit of Argy Bhaji. Meanwhile their 11 year old protégé was being lambasted for not fielding a ball that travelled at 100 miles an hour straight at him at square leg – but as Cummings pointed out “they’ll never learn if they’re not told.”

The usual trip to the bar was then replaced by an evenings entertainment at the drinks machine after YCC had in their infinite wisdom sacked the catering manager and thus no longer hold a license.. as Treacle pointed out they could have done it on a Wednesday. But the fun had watching Cummings displace 20p pieces from the coke machine was frankly more fun.

Morgan made a sharp exit not for the first time (I’m sure he stops somewhere on the way home) and GCC retired to the stands for an hour of bullying and barracking of other sides in the league. Now this was entertaining as ‘the team with numbers on their back, a rotation selection policy and their own umpire’ batted their way through 10 painful overs. ‘Fines’, ‘The one with dodgy sideburns and mo’ , ‘short fat gatt’ and ‘the other one’ played to their usual standard. In walks ’68 Sick note’ and ’42 Andy G(who had just been to Romida Sports and bought one of their new range of helmets with stick on ponytail)’ to bat out the remaining 4 overs. Sick Note played a cr@p innings before being run out in a mid wicket mix up to leave Andy G to bat out the game. And bat out the game he did with some of the worst cross batted rubbish seen in Headingley history but ultimately making about 60 not out. Sick note who was the runner at the other end duly lived up to his billing by apparently pulling a muscle and being replaced by another more nubile runner. The conference between previous over break with Andy G presumably going along the lines of “sick note you are slower than Treacle, don’t make it obvious but after the next ball having not moved more than an inch feign a pulled muscle and we’ll get the 20 year old on to run.”

As Andy G finished off the innings it became apparent that GCC had become victims of Stockholm Syndrome (nice work Dids although as Russ pointed out it is only from his own experience with Rachel that he is aware it exists).
Bare facts GCC – 95 – 2 (Cockle 20 n.o, Cummings 20 n.o, Robshaw 15, Rich 11 n.o, Murray 10 n.o, Morgan 9)
Snax Club Six 86 all out (Bloke 61, extras 15, everyone else fak all).. Morgan 2 for, everyone except cockle 1 for.
And so next week with usual rules applying the same 6 will take on the next opposition hopefully Darul Shafa and the Get Fresh Crew.

 
Week 7
 
Yorkshire Z were the opponents this week, newly joining the Tuesday night league this season, but old hands at irritating the life out of anyone they play against. After the game, the GB team voted this the least enjoyable game any of us had ever played in any format, over a combined 148 year career. It was concluded that the “Z” in the team name reflected some kind of slow pace syndrome (catching some zzz’s) – the opposing players taking 5 minutes in between the incoming and outgoing batsman – at one point there was a 6 minute wait whilst the final batsman located and donned some batting inners to face the final ball of the innings. Come on man.
 
So, slow pace, foreign languages, and general frustration saw Goldsborough bored after 3 overs, and never able to regain the “edge” for competition. The Z’s racked up a large score and GB fell some way short. Auditors have concluded that their score was in the region of 10-15 runs “inflated” but this didn’t effect the result.
 
Before play Shorter had witnessed the Z’s opening bowler washing his box in the sink  – not a good start. Shorter was then pressured into the toss, the desperate Z’s skipper keen to get on with it (contrary to the later performance), only for there to be be no coin – “have you got a coin?” – “no, why would I, you wanted to toss up!” – “oh right, back in a minute”. Come on.
 
If there was any patience remaining, it was eradicated when the “neutral” umpire signaled a wide for a delivery at the request of the “neutral” scorers, whilst the bowler was in his run up for the following delivery. The switch had been pressed – threats of bat insertion, no ball calls and trading of insults.
 
In conclusion, to be fair to them, they were pretty good at cricket, but they were a right royal pain in the ar5e.
 
 
 
 
Week 8
 
Old foes New Wortley were next on the fixture list. Proven winners in past seasons and typically the most combative and c0ck sure of the opposition in the league. But very capable.
 
This week they provided Goldsborough with a timely lesson in indoor batting, racking up 135 in 10 overs, almost entirely in quickly run 3’s. This reiterated the message to the GB batsmen that whilst a couple of 6’s in an over looks very good, 5 3’s results in more runs at less risk. Simple.
 
So, fresh from their tutorial, the GB lads strode out, and opted for the 6’s option!! Needless to say GB ended up short of the total.
 
The beauty of this fixture, relative to previous encounters against the same side, is that it appeared positively friendly. Compared to week 7, the opposition were gracious, courteous and full of light hearted banter. Everything in life is relative.
 
Whilst the game unfolded in front of them, WIlks and Murray this week spent the GB batting innings designing a new chez murray boiler at square leg. Animated hand signals, and mid air technical drawing were constructed to illustrate the boiler, either that of they were planning some little tricks for the Treacle hot tub on Saturday – as long as you can watch though Grant all will be fine I’m sure! Wet room, dark room, its all gravy Treacle.
 
 
 
Week 9
 
Aire Wharfe opposition this week in the form of Bardsey. More keen skippers keen to toss up, but at least with a coin this week. A £2 coin, naturally, fresh from the golden triangle. (note to Chairman Saul – invest in club £5 coin for 2010 for status).
 
Bardsey batted solidly if unspectacularly in the face of a steady flow of wickets but reached 125 with the last man standing. A good innings but a target well in reach. Bardsey made sure of every run through some marginal interpretation of the dead ball law.
 
GB cruised to a solid position after 4 overs (55 – 0) but some tight bowling and a steady flow of wickets saw us fall about 20 runs short in the end. Bardsey seemed to think they were played on the outdoor part of Headingley to a full crowd, with waves to the balcony and excessively competitive “wise” cracks – but fair play to them, they had every right to be delighted – they had just beaten Goldsborough in a winter 6 a side indoor 10 over game in West Yorkshire.
 
The result was the last thing on the GB minds, though, as focused soon turned to the mobile phone pictures of Wilks and his fur coat courtesy of Wetherby Oxfam. Please note that the price for this charity item was bartered!!
 
 
 
So, all in all, a disappointing few weeks. Beaten, sometimes fairly, by 3 better teams. Here’s hoping we can put in a strong finish against Fines next week followed by monacle man 2 weeks hence.

Since his last appearance, it turned out that old Gatt had “been doing 60 k’s a week” – Bishop thought this was Euro’s, Shorter thought it was Rand and both were wrong when it was revealed that he had actually been running. It was also revealed that all 60 each week were round the outside of the Goldsborough outfield, which has led to subsidence issues and the requirement for early restoration work on the newly sinking perimeter fencing.

The willing opponents this week were St Chads, not “Saint Chavs” as Cockle erroneously misheard, although one could see his point.

Goldsborough lost the toss and were inserted. What was to follow immediately justified the previous 6 season’s tactics of bowling first at every opportunity. It seemed that the anniversary of the removal of the Berlin Wall desperately needed to be marked, and Goldsborough obliged by collapsing in a heap. East had been reunited with West. Communism reunited with Capitalism. Indeed, Dark had been reunited with Wet.

Shorter was “pinned” with a slower ball bouncer and followed this up shortly after by playing on to his stumps to a wide pie. Cummings middled one off the edge to gully, Morgan Saul was caught off the wall driving and Jackson mistimed one back to the bowler. Amongst the carnage, Cockle had managed to retire and came back in to join the returning Murray at 40-5 with 4 overs remaining.

Murray was able to complete 30 of his requisite 60 weekly k’s during those last 4 overs – sadly though, they were mostly half runs followed by a shout of “no” and a return to his starting point. Persistence paid off though, and the unlikely Murray/Cockle last wicket stand steadied Goldsborough back to 89 at the close. Amongst all of this, the Chad “side show” marched on – grunts in the delivery stride, dubious actions, excessive enthusiasm, and whining at declined LBW shouts – to be fair though, they had mullered us in that half.

Goldsborough bowled pretty well, and took some early run-outs to stay in the hunt up until the last 2 balls, but in the final reckoning had not scored enough runs. St Chads celebrated as if they had just come across some kind of all hours German night club and Goldsborough were left to contemplate dropping off the top of the Tuesday night table.  The Wall truly had come crumbling down.

So, it was off to the Wet room, in formal black tie dress, to take advantage of the 2-4-1 drinks offers. St Chads were already well established in the Dark room so the Goldsborough lads strapped themselves to the nearest available seats for a Treacle Murray history lesson in the post-war Iron curtain and the impact on modern day German dance culture. His considerable expertise in these areas will surely put him in good stead for his ECB meeting with the High Commissioner of Karachi next year.

Bare Facts

Goldsborough 89-5

Cockle Retired
1x Slow bouncer
17x LBW shouts
12 grunts

St Chads 90-4 (1 ball remaining)

Some bloke retired
15 fumbled misfields (3 each)

This week’s opposition were Old Mods – a new name to the Goldsborough side, but with some old faces – notably Young Fat Pat Cash who had lost none of his wayward aggression from the previous sides he had represented.
Despite Goldsborough’s determination for 2 points, health was a key factor this week. With Morgan/Saul, Jackson, and Shorter all at various stages of man flu strength was low. In addition, Cummings was full to the gills and walking gingerly, so Cockle and young Wilks were the only men fit. A new indoor record brought to the table by the club skipper – 4 days – surely a record in the outside world as well – we all hoped that the record would not be ended during this game.

A successful toss and Old Mods were invited to set a target. However, they stubbornly refused this challenge and instead opted to occupy the crease. After 6 overs the score was 35 and Cummings’ bowels were no closer to freedom. A late rally, and Old Mods had finally discovered how to score runs in this format. They ended on 86 which was a good recovery, but still below par. As a footnote for the records, GB were disappointed not to see more of Fat Pat at the crease, expertly caught first ball having spent 7 overs umpiring scornfully at his upper order’s lack of adventure.

The tried and tested opening partnership saw Cockle and Shorter each retire for the 5th consecutive week, setting Goldsborough on their way to what would surely be a comfortable victory once more. Interestingly though, the middle order had other ideas. Cummings played some classic drives before deciding it was time to loosen things up with some very quick singles. Sadly though, 2 were run out, one of which himself without being any closer to a sit down.

Jackson spent 3 balls trying to recreate the infamous Gatting ball from 1993 that he had seen on ESPN classics the previous evening, but succumbed to more unconventional means. Morgan lived up to his namesake Saul and guided one into the hands of gully. Cockle, back in to finish things off, aimed for the back wall and was caught. This collapse was now getting a little too close for comfort – GB having been 60-0 off 6 overs, were now 86-5 with 5 balls left. A guide to third man secured the winning run with 3 balls to spare though, and the near miss had been avoided.
Fat Pat continued to complain to his fielders for failing to stop nailed on 4’s and everyone shook hands. GB were pleased to note that, despite Pav and his gang warming up on the adjacent court, all kit was still present and the relieved men (all relieved bar Cummings that is) made their way for a pint drinking contest won comfortably by Morgan in 14 seconds.

Bare Facts

Week 5 – Goldsborough v Old Mods
Old Mods – 86 – 4

• Lots of dots
• Goldsborough – 87 – 5
• Cockle 21*
• Shorter 23*
• Cummings run out (again!!)
• 1 complacent collapse

Despite the unchanged team, stalwart Jackson was still struggling to grasp the names of his teammates. During the normal 50 minutes of warm up drills an errant doosra headed straight for Morgan’s rump – Jackson was quick to warn his opening bowler so the shout came out “watch out Sauly”. Such an easy mistake for anyone to make. Needless to say Morgan ignored the cries and was pinned.
Pav’s 6 pestered the Goldsborough skipper for around 20 mins prior to the scheduled 7pm start time. Shall we toss up. Are you ready to toss. Time to toss yet? Shorter finally relented, confident the side had all grasped first names at least. So, the toss was made – Pav’s 6 had won – “eerr not sure what we want to do, can you wait 2 minutes”. Unbelievable.
They batted, sadly.
The encounter finally got under way. Out strode the Pav openers, much to the disgust of silly point Cummings (http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/tv_and_radio/deliauncovered_index.shtml). His thoughts were interrupted when he observed 90% of his kit distributed amongst the batters. Gloves, pads, even inners. Such was the shock this went unchallenged until the innings break. “Oh sorry we didn’t realise” came the reply. Unbelievable.
Still in turmoil from the observations that were being made, Goldsborough rallied and reduced Pav’s Goldsborough kitted 6 to 25-4. However, some suicide singles took Pav up to 84 by the close. Very much below par at this level, but higher than expected.
A quick change around then, but still time for Morgan/Saul to discover that his box shorts had been removed from their bag. Oh my word – anything but that. As thoughts turned back to the previous few weeks subject – cheese – it was time for Goldsborough’s go.
A spirited if somewhat errant bowling display by Pav’s 6 provided plenty of scoring opportunities. Cockle and Shorter rediscovered some 3 scoring form thanks to some large gaps and the victory target was never in doubt when Morgan and Jackson combined well, despite the obvious calling problems, to finish things off with 2 full overs to spare (a CAKE walk in these formats).
Despite the ease of the run chase, there was still time for Robshaw to successfully run out the club captain for the second time this season. That old classic call – “yes, no, aaahhhh, get out”.
So, the 4th win in a row saw Goldsborough sitting pretty at the top of the league. Drinks, Andy G and the blue T-shirt boy to round things off and Morgan Saul was off home to scrub his shorts. Robshaw left in Pav’s car and the evening was complete – “sorry mate, didn’t realise”. Unbelievable.
Bare Facts
Week 4 – Goldsborough v Pav’s 6
Pav’s kitless 6 – 84 – 4

• 2 retirements
• 1 borrowed box
• 3 borrowed pads
• 2 borrowed inners
• 4 borrowed gloves
• Goldsborough – 87 – 2
• Cockle 24*
• Shorter 21*
• Cummings run out x 1